Lord of the Castle

As we were heading from St. Louis into Kansas City Friday night, we called our youngest daughter to tell her where we were going to eat dinner. She asked us if we could bring some “Fire Kissed Wings” back to Colorado for her.

Now, I’m not a wings guy…at all…but they are REALLY good! So we bought some ‘To Go’.

After we left Manhattan, KS yesterday morning, we called Cakes to tell her that, per her request (!), we had a FULL ORDER just for her. We specifically told her that we were NOT going to eat them…

…just so she would more fully appreciate how thoughtful we were

…and what great parents we are!

Well, today we called and gave her the bad news. We had eaten our few Jack Stack leftovers we had for breakfast. Now, out here in the…cold… frozen tundra, all that keeping us from starvation were…those beautiful…Fire…Kissed…Wings…

Honey, we’re sorry…really. But “Survival” never tasted so good!

We hope she understands.

Thank God that we had them.

Last week, my wife received a call from one of her cousin’s in the St. Louis area that their mother had passed away. Even though we had made it a point to visit her on our trip back east last fall, we both felt like we should attend the funeral. So, I started planning the trip

“Hey, maybe we could to attend the Chiefs final regular season game at Arrowhead Stadium since we are going to be back in the Kansas City area.”

“OK…scratch that. They are playing the Broncos in Denver.”

But as I was working on that idea, I checked to see what the weather would be like. After all, attending their final game in Kansas City would be cool, BUT there is a big difference between something being “cool’, and ‘ “Wow, this is really COLD!”

No matter which route I checked, snow was projected to start falling on Sunday afternoon. So the plan changed to just attending the funeral on Friday and then getting back home ASAP.

We drove Thursday, attended the funeral on Friday, and immediately started our trek back to Colorado.

The last time we passed through Kansas City, my plans to bless my wife were foiled. So I was bound and determined to revisit the scene of the crime. So we had dinner at one of our favorite restaurants in KC, Jack Stack. It was delicious!!!

I had originally planned to book a hotel nearby, and start out first thing in the morning. But after dinner, Bunch suggested that we drive a few more hours to get ahead of tomorrow’s storm.

Great idea!

So drove two more hours, and found a great old hotel in Manhattan, KS. The next morning, after a great night’s sleep, ate a good breakfast, and headed out.

The weather app seemed to indicate that we might be able to avoid the storm if we headed further north. I decided to take the state highways instead of the I-70…and besides, it’s just more interesting to me.

For about two hours, things were going great. But as we drove through Clay Center,KS, things started changing. Even though I had the front defroster blowing hot air at full force, and was repeatedly spraying -30º de-icing windshield washer fluid, ice kept slowly but continuously building up on the windshield.

I got an idea to put the front sun visors down to trap the warm air against the windshield…No real change.

We were coming into Beloit, KS (which I had never heard of before), so I decided that I would stop, fill up the gas tank and scrape the windshield.

About a half mile before we got into town, the car started feeling a little weird. I can’t really describe it, but it felt like we were floating…then a quick, slight wiggle.

I paused…We coasted a bit. Whatever it was gone. So, I cautiously continued on.

Bunch suggested, “Maybe we should get a hotel.”

I thought, “What!?!?!?”, but I said, “Well, first let’s see if they even have one.”

We looked for a gas station…nothing to see here.

I turned to resume “making progress”, and, amazingly, all of the ice on the windshield was gone! I theorized that the ice was building up because we must have been driving in a cold area, and that the temperature was warmer where we currently were.

Anyway, no gas stations. No hotel either!

“Sorry, hon…but we have to keep going.”

We were driving 25-30 MPH in 2nd gear. Seeing a hill immediately ahead, I slowly started accelerating. Then I shifted the car into drive, and with that one little ‘click’, all of our plans began to change.

The floating was back. The car wiggled…then started sliding to the left.

I took my foot off the gas pedal and gently steered into it. It immediately got worse. It looked like we were going to slide front first off the opposite side of the road!

So I tried to gently correct. Suddenly, the back of the car broke completely loose. The tail end whipped around in a counter clockwise direction. It was very clear that there was nothing I could do to, so I announced, “Here we go!”

The car spun about 345º and quite emphatically hurtled us off the our original side of the road. Down the 4-5 foot slope we went.

I whispered a quick prayer as we headed up the slope where the barbed wire fence marking the beginning of the pasture was now appearing in my rear view mirror..

We stopped a few feet short of the fence.

“Wow! That was close…Thank you, Lord.”

We took a few moments to regain our composure.

I restarted the car.

“Well, that was wild. But, no harm, no foul.”

I figured it would be foolish to drive back up onto the road that we had just skated off, so I started to drive on the flat section between the two grassy slopes up to the dirt road that joined the road we were on.

Thud…thud…thud…

“What is that?”

I got out of the car.

“Wow…this is not good…”

The rear driver’s side tire had popped off the rim. So the rim had then plowed down the first slope sideways through the wet dirt and grass, and, in the process, collected a pretty impressive amount of evidence of what had just happened.

“Looks like we are going to be delayed for a few hours…OK.”

I figured there was no way to jack up the car to get the tire fixed while the dirt slope was getting softer by the minute. So I pulled the mess out of the rim, got back in the car, and proceeded to slowly creep up the grassy “valley” to the dirt road.

As we sat on the side of the road, we saw a few other vehicles slowly (I mean, 5, maybe 10 MPH) creep up the hill.

“How are they able to do that? I have good quality snow tires.”

Within a few minutes, a black SUV with ‘Sheriff’ written on the side pulled up. A young woman got out and asked for my driver’s license.

“Oh, come on. We didn’t do anything…”

“Why do you need this?”

“I just need to call it in so Dispatch knows where I am and what I am working on.”

She and I talked outside in the cold for about 10 minutes. As the ice on my windshield and the fact that our car had just done a beautiful pirouette off the road had proven, it was not just cold…it was COLD!!! And the wind was making it feel even colder! And SHE was in short sleeves.

It was so cold that I never got around to thinking I should turn my ‘Man Card’ over to her.

Meanwhile, inside our warm car, Bunch was on the phone with AAA. A man in a white pick up truck successfully drove down that hill and then turned onto the dirt road to check on us. I told him we were on the phone with AAA. Then I asked how he was able to drive on that road.

“Oh, I’ve got 4 wheel drive turned on.”

“That answers that question.”

I not only don’t have 4 wheel drive, I have rear wheel drive! Short of having a different car, I didn’t stand a chance. There was nothing I could have done.

The white pickup man left. The sheriff (Did I mention that she was young…and a female…!!!) determined that we were going to be OK, and took off.

As soon as they left, AAA called Bunch back. She said she had spent the last 15 minutes calling at least five towing companies in the nearby towns (20-50 miles), and none of them would even pick up the phone!

We sat in the car and watched a pickup truck slowly drove by us and head up the hill. Suddenly, his truck wiggled…and then he pretty much duplicated exactly what happened to us…except his truck came to a stop just before sliding off a far steeper and deeper slope. I don’t know if he was praying, but I sure was praying for him!

No sooner had that in person drama concluded, another man in another white pickup truck pulled up and offered to help. I hopped back out of the car and told him our story. He said he would take me into town to see if either of the two tire stores were open.

I politely declined…I mean, I don’t know him from Adam! And I wasn’t going to leave my wife alone on the side of the road in a town we had never heard of.

He gave me his business card, and said that he would go check and call me back. We swapped phone numbers.

A few minutes later he called back to informed me that the tire stores were closed. In fact, pretty much the entire town was closed. I asked him if I could call him on Monday morning. He said yes.

It was now around 1:00 PM on a Saturday (read it like the Billy Joel song, “Piano Man”). The tire store, which, according to their voice mail message, was supposed to be open, was closed. Even if they were open, we had no way to get the car there because the AAA tow trucks weren’t answering their phones!!! And I knew there was no chance they were going to open on Sunday out here in the God fearing Midwest.

As our predicament was slowly coming into clear focus, a second (young) female sheriff pulled up. We updated her with the latest news. We then threw what we needed into the back of her SUV, and she drove us to the only hotel in town.

Soooo…it looks like we are going to be “vacationing” at the Super 8 in Beloit, KS for the weekend!

Well, we took off for our big “Back East” trip yesterday morning. We missed my desired departure time of 8:00 AM by just a little bit…We filled the car up with gas at 10:15.

Since we were leaving late, I abandoned my plans to take the more scenic route (through Kansas!), and just take I-70.

I had a goal…a secret…something my wife didn’t know about but that I KNEW she would really enjoy.

So I drove…and drove…and drove!

And lo and behold, at 8:30 I pulled into the parking lot of her favorite Kansas City restaurant…Jack Stack in Lee’s Summit!

They close at 9:00.

But…wait…the parking lot is empty. This place is usually packed.

I pulled up their website. No, it says they are open 365 days a year. As far as I can tell, this is one of them!

Perplexed, but still hopeful, I got out of the car and walked to the front door. There was no one inside…

What is going on???

I called their phone number…and heard…“We are closed today for an all hands on deck celebration. We will reopen as usual tomorrow.”

“You have got to be kidding me…Today?…of all days…Really?

…HEY, I DROVE ALL DAY TO GET HERE!

…TO SURPRISE MY WIFE!

Oh well, forget it…It’s too late to eat anyway!

We checked into a hotel and went to sleep.

In my constant push to clean our stuff up and GET…RID…OF…ALL…THESE…BOXES (%#$@^&!), I had always planned to digitize our cassettes that are worth keeping.

I had slowly been making progress off and on for the past few years by plugging one end of a radio cable into a Walkman’s headphone port (I bought 3 for this very purpose!), and the other end into my 2011 MacBook Pro’s “Microphone” port. All that was left to do was push “Play” and let Audacity create a digital version of the cassette.

When I went to resume the project in earnest a few weeks ago, I hit a major roadblock. I learned that my new MacBook Pro has no “Line In” port. It’s not even listed as an option in the Sound Preferences!

I called Apple support…they didn’t have an answer.

I searched the Net for some sort of adapter…no luck.

Best Buy searched…and found nothing.

This is now officially A PROBLEM…

Well, last night, my wife said that her schedule was so packed (she’s a home health care nurse) that she actually asked if I would be willing to be her chauffeur. Keep in mind that this is a woman who made no bones about telling me the previous two times I tried to help her by driving her around, “IT DOESN’T HELP!!!”

Although I was not happy that she agreed to do so many appointments when she already had all the points she needed for the week, I, being the nice husband that I am, shook off her previous rejections and told her I would. I couldn’t quite make it to, “I’d be glad to!” (Honestly, I didn’t even try all that hard.…you know…low motivation.) Anyway…

After the first appointment, she called the doctor’s office. She had the volume all the way up on her phone while she went through the automated options. “If you need blah, blah, blah…press 1…If you need…press 2…, etc.”

I was so glad when she pressed the appropriate button. I thought it was over.

Wrong-oh!

“Now that we know which department you meant to call…we need to know who is calling. If you are you just a regular Joe…press 1. If you are…press 2…, etc.”

Internally, I was thinking, “Come on, hun. Just press a button! MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE!”

She pressed 3.

I held by breath…

After a brief pause, the voice announced that she was beginning a third level of this high tech torture.

“Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed…”

I thought, “OMG, you have GOT to be kidding! I do not want to listen to this all day!”

I asked, “Can’t you put some headphones on?”

“I can’t. The mice ate through the wires. But if you want to get me a new set for my birthday…”

Well, the third appointment wasn’t home. I’ll give you one guess how we used the newly found free time…

You got it…I made a beeline to Best Buy. We headed straight to the Apple section of the computer area.

They didn’t have her headphones….

The young man said that we should check in the Headphones area. 

We went there…only to find no Apple products.

The salesman started apologizing.

I told him that it was not a problem.

He kept going…

While trying to assure him that it really wasn’t a problem, that we would just look somewhere else, while at the same time trying to head toward the door without being rude, I noticed they had a CD clock radio!

The CD player in my garage no longer works. But I had just bought a used one at Goodwill an hour earlier while Bunch was doing her nursing thing in appointment #2. So I made a mental note in case it doesn’t work.

As I was about to turn and head for the door, my wife laughed and said, “Look, a boom box!” She was pointing at a “BoomBox Deluxe” with a picture of a cassette player on the front of the box.

At first, we thought it was a joke. But when I turned the box around and read the features, we learned not only was it not a joke, but it would digitize cassettes???

Wha-a-a-a-t??? Are you kidding me? The solution to my problem?!?!? Is this real?

It turns out, it is. Absolutely amazing!

As we checked out, the cashier informed us that we were lucky because it was on sale today.

“How much is it normally?”

“$139. You saved $60.”

…keyboard drop!

On top of my digitizing problem being solved with much less of my time and my money disappearing, I got a new wife! My “IT DOESN’T HELP” wife has turned into my REALLY, REALLY grateful wife…at least for today.

Not a bad days work!

P.S. We bought her headphones at the next store…but she left her adapter at home! Also, I am returning the Goodwill radio.

Since I am going to hit the road and head back to Kansas City tomorrow, I thought I should see if Cakes has called the mechanic to check on the status of her car.

She hadn’t…

“Well, don’t you think you ought to…since it is your car…and we are supposed to pick it up in two days?”

“OK…heard.”

She called back a few minutes later…

“I talked to Bob.”

“And what did he say?”

She recounted this conversation…

“I just finished the car and took it for a test drive. It drives good. I can’t believe that the car made it to Kansas City. The timing chain was stretched. But when I took it apart, there were several broken parts just laying inside. I’ve never seen that before. I can’t believe the engine didn’t blow up.”

“So God did hold it together.”

“No, I’m serious. I can’t believe that you were able to drive this car here. This is a genuine miracle!”

As soon as the words finished coming out of her mouth and entered my ears, I just yelled, “JEEEEESUUUUSSSSS!!! HALLELUJAH!!!”

My wife and I prayed a simple, little prayer in our kitchen and the God of the universe had answered!!!

Instead of heading back to Colorado from Kansas City, I decided to drive up to Rochester, Minnesota.

Why??? Because a man had some very hard to find parts for my project car up there.

Why didn’t I just have them shipped? For several reasons…

First, they are fairly heavy…and that would make the parts more expensive. And paying top dollar for a used anything is not my idea of a path to peace and happiness.

Second, if I buy a used book that isn’t in the condition that I expected, I can live with it. I don’t like it, but I can live with it. But hard to find car parts to complete a project car…that’s a different animal.

If I have a choice of which type of mental and emotional anguish I must endure, I would rather do the driving and learn that the guy is trying to con me in person before I give him my money rather than paying for the item, paying him to ship it and then learning that he was conning me when I open up my long awaited package. Can you tell that I have a little experience in this area? But I digress…

Third, it would be a 13 ½ hour drive each way from my house to Minnesota. That’s 27 hours round trip for the mathematically challenged out there. But it’s only 6 hours from Kansas City. So I can save almost 18 hours of driving!

And fourth, I am driving a new Camaro!

I made it to Rochester (did you know that it is really cold in MN???), loaded the parts (they were in great shape!!!) in the Camaro’s trunk, grabbed a bite to eat and headed off to Sioux Falls, SD. The first two hours of the 3 ½ hour drive went smoothly. I was going to arrive at around 9:00 PM. But man did that change!!!

A strong wind kicked up and started blowing snow off the open fields to the north side of the westbound lanes. I couldn’t see an-y-thing! I am not exaggerating! I couldn’t see the road. I couldn’t see the side of the road. I couldn’t see the parkway (??) between the east and westbound lanes.

I could however see a bunch of dim headlights in the eastbound lanes. They weren’t moving!

My only hope that I was still on the road was the fact that I had not turned my steering wheel!

The blinding snow was sporadic…for about 20 miles. And then it wasn’t!

It wasn’t too long before I was forced to come to a complete stop in the #1 lane. My fellow westbound travelers had given up a little way back. I didn’t dare pull off to the side of the road because I couldn’t see where the side of the road was! Talk about a helpless feeling!

I heard the sound of an 18 wheeler approaching me in the #2 lane.

Oh my goodness…I hope I’m still in my lane!

As he drove by me, I saw that the rear of his trailer was completely outlined with lights…

I’ve got to follow that guy! That is my only hope!

For the next 30 miles (there were a few breaks, but not many and not for very long!), that was all I could see. On more than one occasion, the snow was blowing so hard that the rectangular shape of the trailer became distorted and the lights started growing dim.

If I lose him, I’m stuck! I can not let that happen!!!

When I tried to accelerate in order to get closer, I could feel the rear tires break loose!

What???

That’s right…this Camaro is from North Carolina. It doesn’t have snow tires! I didn’t even think of that!

There were several times when the road that I couldn’t see must have curved. I know that because I had to steer that way to keep following the truck! I felt a fear that was similar to being on a roller coaster only in very…slow…motion. Talk about praying!!!

“Jesus, please help that guy see. Help him stay on the road…because if he goes off, I am going off too. Help me (steer)… Help my tires stick…”

I made it to Sioux Falls about an hour and a half later than I planned. But, thankfully, I made it!

I checked into the hotel and hit the sack. When I woke up, I looked at the clock…

I’ve been sleeping…for 9 straight hours??? Huh…I guess I wasn’t making that up. It really was stressful!

Well, I met my daughter in Kansas City late last night.

Before she hung we up the phone yesterday, she said, “Dad, I’m not really comfortable driving this car. I mean he’s not going to stop me but the mechanic is really concerned.”

The problem with the engine was the timing chain had stretched and slipped a tooth or two. It was only a matter of time until it slipped again and the car would become undriveable.

I was thinking, “Look, I’m already in ‘hero’ mode! So let’s go!!!”

But I said…

“Cakes, this is going to save you a bunch of money. But if you’re not comfortable, that’s fine. I’m serious.”

“OK. Well I’m going to go home and pack and then I’ll make my decision.”

As soon as I hung up the phone, I grabbed my wife’s hand…

“Let’s pray. Father, I think this idea is from you. I am asking you to hold Cake’s car together so she can make it to KC.”

About an hour later, Cakes called…

“OK, I’m going to take off.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’m fine with it.”

I got in my car and headed to KC. But the whole time I wondered if her car would actually make it that far. What if it didn’t?…What would I do?

Since I didn’t know where we would end up meeting, I decided against renting a hotel room or reserving a car in advance.

Well, she made it. In fact, we arrived at the hotel of choice within 5 minutes of each other!

And, as planned, we dropped her car off at the mechanic this morning and then headed to the Enterprise in Lees Summit to rent a car.

They didn’t have any!

“You’re kidding me…Really???”

“We’ve got some coming at about 1:30.” (It was 9:00 A.M.)

“What about Raytown?”

“Not until 5:00 P.M.”

“Grandview?”

“Nothing. The airport (about an hour away) has plenty of cars but you would have to pay a higher rate…”

Yeah…no.

They called the Blue Springs location (20 minutes away)…and found…a…something…

“I’ll take it.”

“I feel bad that we didn’t have a car on the lot for you so I’m going to give you a 5% discount. Is that OK with you?”

I was just glad they found a car!

We drove over and I went in to rent the car. I mentioned the 5% discount…

“How about a free upgrade? We have a Camaro available.”

“How much is that?”

“We’ll give it to you at the same rate.”

Hmmm…is this some kind of trick???

“That sounds great!”

How cool is that???

My youngest daughter, Cakes, called this morning. She is having car trouble. She had gone to a reputable auto repair shop in town, and they had already diagnosed the source of the problem and had narrowed it down to two possibilities. She texted me their quote…

What???

The top number was the cost to take the top of the engine off to see what was the actual cause of the problem. The bigger number was the cost of fixing the worst (and most likely) problem.

She said, “Dad, I’m just going to fix it and then go get a new car.”

I had a problem with that…no…I had several problems with that!

First, she has only been in Nashville for two months. And she is leaving in another month. So she doesn’t really know anyone, least of all a trustworthy car dealer!

Second, my best guess is that this mystery used car dealer will probably give her $2,500 as a trade in. That means that she will net less than $500!

My fatherly protective instincts kicked in, and I immediately started talking her off of this financial ledge.

“Well, what else am I going to do?”

I didn’t really know…but I listened with amazement as the following came out of my mouth…

“Well, let’s meet in Kansas City. You can drop your car off with our old mechanic (who saved us SO much money while we lived there). I can loan you my car while it is being fixed.”

So how was I planning to get back home? I had no idea. I quickly searched for a plane flights…$140. Not great but considering the circumstances, not terrible.

But then how was I going to get my car back from her???

Forget the plane idea…I could rent a car…but how much is that going to cost?

$120-150 to rent a car for a week from Enterprise! That will work!

After I hung up, I paused…”What did I just do? I’m going to drive to Kansas City today? Am I on drugs?”

I called our old mechanic to see what he thought it would cost to fix it…$700-900!!!

I checked the NADA guides to see what her car was worth…$4,500-5,000!

So if I put on my cape and fly…I mean…drive halfway across the country to rescue this poor damsel in distress, she will come out roughly $3,000 ahead!

Hmmmmmmm…

Can I really tolerate my daughter thinking of me as her hero???