Lord of the Castle

So far, my 55th year on this planet has been a roller coaster. In the last 16 days, I have…

• burned my arm during an emergency oil change on my lawnmower
• had my first physical in over 6 years confirm that I am in great health
• been informed by my dentist that I needed a root canal
• stumbled onto a great deal on a tree and some shrubs for our house
• been unable to plant said items because I couldn’t get out of bed!
• been master of ceremonies for our Sunday service
• and been pulled over for driving 36 in a 25 MPH zone!

So you can understand if I have a blank look on my face when someone asks me, “How’s it going?”

When I got home from work yesterday, I was cautiously optimistic that we were actually going to get our plants in the ground.

I had managed to convince/persuade/cajole/command my wife to help me. We bought a bag of soil amendment and got some last minute tips on successful planting at the nursery.

When we returned home, I grabbed the shovel and carefully finished digging the hole for the maple tree that I had started on Thursday night.

The next step was preparing the soil. Now, in my mind, mixing 2/3 soil with 1/3 compost is kind of like mixing ingredients in the kitchen. And my wife is REALLY good at that. And I am not. So, although I didn’t say it quite like that, my wife bought my sales pitch and agreed to do that part.

I grabbed the bag of compost from the bed of our truck, brought it over, tossed it on the ground, grabbed my utility knife, squatted down and cut the end of the bag open.

The story then takes an almost unbelievable twist at this juncture (pun not intended at all!!!!!!!)

When I went to stand up and take a step back, the bottom of my leg twisted one way and the top twisted in the other. I grabbed my knee and fell to the ground like a freshly cut tree!

As I was writhing in pain in my front yard, I started saying,”No! No, no, no! I refuse this!”

I managed to lift myself into an upright position. I tried walking it off while my wife mixed the soil.

After we finally got the tree into the ground, my wife suggested that I stop and go inside.

But I was not finished…

I grabbed the shovel and said, “The pioneers wouldn’t have stopped” and started digging the next hole with my right leg.

By the time I started the third hole, my knee was trying to move in directions that it was not designed to move. It occurred to me that many of the pioneers probably spent the rest of their life walking with a limp.

As we got ready for bed, my wife made a splint out of one tightly rolled towel running down the inside of my leg secured by a second towel wrapped around my leg.

As I swung my leg into the bed, I laughed out loud at my pitiful condition. How was I going to get out of bed in the morning? I can’t bend my leg…but what if my back locks up? I can’t do my usual stretching exercises.

Well, the good news is that I did make it out of bed. By  the afternoon, we had found a full length knee brace on Craig’s List for $25 and a friend loaned me a set of crutches.

But for the second consecutive weekend, I am completely immobilized!

Outside of going to work, I have done very little this week. Every evening was spent resting my back. And each morning, I was rewarded with a little more freedom of movement.

However, when I got out of bed this morning, it seemed as if I was reliving Monday morning all over again.

Breathtaking pain shot from my lower back!

I had the same helpless feeling you get when someone twists your arm behind your back and then starts lifting it up higher and higher. I didn’t cry but I was pleading for mercy!

The fact that I was once again reduced to this condition really ticked me off!

“Lay around for three days and now I get this?!?!…

(plead for mercy)…grumble, grumble…(wince and plead)…

“That’s it! I’m done with this resting!”

After all, I still had trees and bushes sitting in pots out in our front yard!

Now, I don’t want you to think that I just charged out there like a bull in a china shop when I came home from work…because I didn’t.

If you want an accurate picture, I slowly bent down oh so slowly and laced up my work boots. Then I slowly stood up and gingerly walked out and grabbed my shovel.

I just wanted to see if I could make some progress…

just a little progress…

please…

I gently put the shovel in the ground and then carefully stood up on the top of the blade to drive it in. I repeated this several more times.

Then came the moment of truth…

I made sure my form was as close to perfect as I could get it and…

I actually lifted a half full shovel of dirt out of the ground without collapsing into a heap!

Although it was very slow and pretty pitiful, I worked slowly and was able to make a decent amount of progress on digging a hole for our new Japanese maple tree before it was time to call it quits for the night.

Two weeks ago, I turned 54. Since then, it feels like my life has been turned upside down.

Yesterday was my son’s birthday. I called him as soon as I got on the road.

By the time that I arrived at the 1/2 mile long section of my drive home that passes through a residential area, I was already engrossed in listening to him give the latest update on what has been happening in his life.

About two blocks away, I noticed a thin, clear light bar on top of a white car heading toward me. I started pondering how today’s police departments have switched from trying to prevent crime to catching people. There is more money in it. After all, there are pensions that must be funded! So, instead of the red lights on top of a black and white police car, now we have nearly invisible lights on cars painted to look like any other vehicle.

Anyway, all of these thoughts passed through my mind while I was listening to my son…until he drove by me and turned his lights on!

I got pulled over for speeding.

36 in a 25 mile per hour zone.

What was I thinking? I never had the slightest sense that I was speeding.

Some people claim that we haven’t made any progress in racial relations in the United States. I would beg to differ! I got to witness up close and personal a young black man writing a ticket to a middle age (OK, old) white guy! I’d call that progress!

His demeanor seemed like he was relatively new. The Scripture from Romans 13 came to my mind…”he (civil authority) is a minister of God for good.” Perhaps the reason that I never thought to check how fast I was going was because the Lord wanted to encourage this young man by giving him an easy citation!

While he wrote me up, I thought of the many times I had whispered a plea that God would please cover me while I sped to get to work on time. There was no complaint inside of me. I knew that I had earned this one…many times over!

I actually said, “Thank you” when he handed me the ticket.

Wheb I compared the $75 fine that I have to pay to the years of mild speeding (+10 MPH) that I have been guilty of. I concluded that God was very merciful with me.

This morning, as I made the right hand turn to pass through this same section on my way to work, I then remembered instances where I had been frustrated with people who had quickly pulled out in front of me so they could drive 25 miles per hour! Maybe I had no cognizance that I was speeding because it looked normal to me!

Anyway, I’m not proud of it…but guilty as charged!

As I was walking through our company’s inspection department, I said hello to one of the inspectors. He looked back at me with a slight scowl on his face.

Recently, that has become his normal look. I decided that I had had enough of it and called him out on it.

I put the same kind of scowl on my face and walked right toward him. When I got about a foot away from his face, I asked, “Mike, why are you looking at me like that?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve got a scowl on your face. You always look like you are mad. Did I do or say something?”

His face brightened up, “Oh, I’m sorry…It’s just that I’m in a fantasy sumo league…It’s international…I compete against people in other countries…and I’m really thinking about tonight’s matches.”

I thought he was joking so I laughed and walked off.

But it turns out, he really IS in an international fantasy sumo league!

A fantasy sumo league!?!?!?

I still haven’t completely wrapped my mind around fantasy baseball or football leagues. I understand the concept, but…where do are all of these people find all of this time?

Anyway, my horizons were expanded today!

I asked a young guy in the shipping department how he was doing.

“I’m tired.”

“Tired? Why?”

“Well, I don’t eat right…(thoughtful pause)…I drink too much…(thoughtful pause)…I stay up too late…(thoughtful pause)…and I don’t exercise…(thoughtful pause)…So that might have something to do with it.”

That would probably do it.

When I left work this evening, all I could think about was climbing out of the car, limping into the house and getting off of my leg.

But, what am I thinking? I’m 54 now! This is a new year…

While driving home from work, my mechanic called. He had a “young kid” who wanted to buy Wild Bill.

I was not prepared for this…

I mean, it is good news. After all, I have tried to sell that truck on three different times. But whenever I try to sell it, no one wants it.

After the last time, I parked Bill in my mechanic’s parking lot where it has been sitting for the last year and a half.

I tried to stir up some enthusiasm but all I could muster was a weak, “That’s great…”

He then proceeded to tell me that this “kid’s” truck was stolen. The cops had found his truck, towed it to the impound lot, but never called him to tell him. So the impound fees were so high that he couldn’t afford to get his truck back.

I asked to talk to “the kid.”

He doesn’t have any cash right now…

“That would explain why can’t get his truck out of the impound lot.”

He is a tree trimmer…

He’s got worked lined up for the entire week but nothing to haul the cuttings away with…

He should make $3,750…

He’ll be able to give me what I am asking for the truck in 3 days…

I told him that I needed about 45 minutes to get a bite to eat, find the title and drive over to his place.

Things were going according to plan until it came to find the title.

I looked through our folders labeled “Cars”, “DMV”, “Important Papers”…nothing.

I checked again…nothing.

My wife checked…nothing

I decided to go and meet the prospective buyer and give him the semi-bad news.

When we arrived, they weren’t there.

While we were waiting for them to get back, I asked my mechanic what he thought of these people. He assured me that the woman who had brought them to him was a good woman from his church who he had known and trusted for more than 30 years.

I told him that since I couldn’t find the title, I was thinking of letting them borrow Bill for the three days so he could work and make some money. If he still wanted the truck, then he could buy it then. If not, then all he would owe was the price of the new battery.

45 minutes later, a short guy with a long blonde pony tail covered in tattoos walked in.

I thought, “This is a kid?…He’s got to be in his 30’s.”

His newly “pregnant wife” came in with frizzy, afro hair done up in pigtails. I began to wonder if she was trying to play her “part” because she looked like she had a few miles on her.

Then the guys “brother” came in. He was about a foot taller, had black hair and was juiced up on something.

I began to have second thoughts. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to sell Bill to these people. They didn’t look like the type that would take good care of him.

I told them that I was unable to find the title but that we would either find it tomorrow or apply for a duplicate title.

Then to my complete surprise, my mechanic offered to let them borrow his truck so the guy could get to work and I could find the title!

Stay tuned…

My first day back at work with my wounded knee was a rough one.

Last night, at my request, my wife picked up a neoprene sleeve or my knee at the local sporting goods store. I thought that if I wore it underneath my pant leg, no one would notice.

What was I smoking?

No one would notice the guy who usually walks at a very brisk pace covering a foot every 2-3 seconds with each step accompanied by facial contortions because of the pain? Really?

No, everyone noticed.

I decided that tomorrow I don’t care who notices what. I am going to wear the full leg brace on the OUTSIDE of my pant leg AND use my friend’s crutches!

How quickly things can change!

I went to bed last night all excited about picking up our trees at the nursery early in the morning and  spending the day getting them into the ground…

But just a few hours later, it became painfully obvious that was not going to happen!

I woke up to go to the bathroom. There is nothing new or unusual about that. Lots of men my age have to go to the bathroom in the night. Except, in my case, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY AGE!

Did I say that loud enough?

I have been getting up multiple times throughout the night since I was a young boy. In fact, when I was about 10 or 11 years old, my mother thought “something must be wrong” with me. So she had the doctor check me out.

I don’t remember all of the different things that he checked but I do remember that he shoved  a 4” long needle with an 8” long, 1.5” diameter syringe full of some modified form of kryptonite into my buttocks!

His diagnosis after harpooning me: “There is nothing wrong with him. Everything is normal.”

It seems that I have been blessed with a highly efficient bladder. Anyway, back to last night…

I went to get out of bed…AND COULD NOT MOVE!!!

And I am not exaggerating for effect. I literally could-not-move. The slightest move of my legs caused excruciating pain!

Unbelievable! My mind desperately tried to remember when this happened…

“I felt nothing when I went to bed…I was all bent over when I was sealing the floor of our back deck…and felt nothing. Now my back is frozen stiff! MAN THIS HURTS!”

It was like a bad dream, except I wasn’t dreaming! I definitely still had to go to the bathroom…

Since our mattress is only about 12” off of the floor, I literally rolled out of bed like a log.

“At least I making some progress.”

Once on the floor, I rolled onto my back and tried to move my legs. Even the smallest move felt like an invisible knife was jabbing into my back, wrenching my breath away.

After several minutes, I realized that I was in a real pickle…

If I just laid still on the carpet I was fine. And I was so tired…I began to drift back to sleep…

until I was reminded that I woke up for a reason! And that reason was not going to go away!

So back to trying to move…

I started praying…because I needed help!

After about 5 minutes, with much pain, I could move my legs a little. I rolled over onto my belly and slowly pushed my torso up until I was on my hands and knees.

I then began to try to slowly and ever so slightly stretch my back.

“Wow, this really hurts!”

I tried to stand up…“Oh, God!!!”

Back to the carpet…

“Well, that is NOT going to work!”

The pain was so intense that sweat started to form on my brow.

And then my bladder sent another reminder, this one a little more urgent, as to the reason why I was putting myself through such agony…

“What am I going to do?…I can’t tell my wife that her beautiful white carpet is now a few shades off because I couldn’t make it to the bathroom!”

I had no other choice but to start crawling…

“I CAN NOT wake my wife up!”

Move… wince…

“I DO NOT want to make a scene.”

Move… wince…

I tried to ease the pain by breathing deeper.

Move… wince…

“This is such an unmanly position.”

I eventually made it over to the doorway to our master bath. While that was definitely progress, I was still in a jamb (no pun intended!). I mean, I couldn’t figure out how I would relieve myself from that position! I need more height…

I grabbed onto the door jamb and pulled myself up like you would climb a rope. Each pull elicited some combination of a whimper, cry, squeal, snort or whine.

I never quite made it to the full upright and locked position, but I did accomplish my immediate goal! And then I waddled back to bed, one slow step at a time, bent over at the waist with my hands on my knees to bear the weight of my upper body and fell back asleep.

An hour and a half later, I tried to turn onto my side and ended up waking both me and my wife up because I winced so loud! My wife massaged me with some ointment and we fell back asleep.

When I woke up in the morning, it took me 45 solid minutes (no exaggeration!) to get out of bed and be able to  slowly and tenuously walk out of our bedroom door.

Needless to say, the trees are not getting planted today!